


Bored in the house and I'm in the house bored.

by AlmightyAuthoress



Category: Naruto
Genre: AU, Banter, COVID, M/M, Naruto is trying his best, One Night Stands, One Shot, Quarantine, Telemarketing, Uchiha Sasuke Being an Asshole, idk why, itachi is there too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:09:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26420902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmightyAuthoress/pseuds/AlmightyAuthoress
Summary: Sasuke is bored out of his mind after being furloughed. Luckily, a well-timed call from a telemarketer can help entertain him.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Bored in the house and I'm in the house bored.

**Author's Note:**

> I could have edited this more. But in my defense, I didn't want to.

Sasuke was absolutely bored out of his mind. It had only been four days since he’d been officially furloughed, but it was the longest he’d gone without working since he turned 15. The first day he spent being angry. The second he cleaned. On the third day he’d resorted to combing through reddit looking for any kind of stimulating discussions. And now, on day four he was completely out of things that could hold his interest. It was cruel really. Sasuke worked his ass off for years to make sure he was indispensable at work, so he would never have to be without it. Then a global pandemic comes along and completely throws that out the window. He couldn’t even look for new work because his boss guaranteed he’d be rehired when it all blew over. Between being rich and unemployment benefits, money wasn’t an issue. He just hated being idle, especially trapped all alone in a tiny apartment. 

He leaned back on his sofa, staring at the ceiling. The best entertainment he could manage at the moment was picking out shapes in the spackle like they were constellations. He felt his phone buzz in his sweatpant pocket. It was probably Itachi texting him again. But Sasuke realized it was actually a call. He fished the phone out of his pocket to answer. 

“Hello?” The voice on the other end asked. “Is this Uchiha Sasuke?”

“Who’s asking?” 

“Oh right.” A man on the other end laughed in a way both earthy and abrasive. “Hello Mr. Uchiha. My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I’m a development representative with Sunspire.”

Oh great. Sasuke lamented. A telemarketer. Normally Sasuke would hang up. He still might. But this time he didn’t. Probably the boredom rotting his brain. 

“What do you want?” Sasuke asked. He kicked his feet up on the arch of his sofa to get a better view of the ceiling and lean into the conversation he’d apparently committed to. 

“I was given a tip that you might be interested in converting to solar energy?” Naruto said. 

“Your tip was wrong.” Sasuke said blankly. He did a mental check on who could be giving his information out to freaking telemarketers. “Where’d you get my number from?”

“I just said, it was a tip.” Naruto said. 

“But as I said, your tip is wrong. I'm not interested. Now where’d you get my number from?”

“You say you’re not interested, but solar energy will save you money in the long run. There’s also the added bonus of helping the environment. Why the hell wouldn’t you be interested?”

In truth, Sasuke would be very interested in running his life on solar energy. After all, he didn’t like spending more money than he had to. And when fossil fuels ran out he’d be the first one to laugh at all the coal junkies running around without electricity. However that didn’t change the fact that he lived in an APARTMENT and thus had no control over installations or energy sources. Once again, he could end the conversation just by telling the telemarketer as much. But instead, he felt the sadistic bastard part of his personality slip into place. He was going to milk the call for all the entertainment it was worth. 

“The radiation.” Sasuke said, smirking to himself. 

“The radiation?”

“Yes.” He said, “From the sun. It causes skin cancer. Even an idiot knows that.” 

“Ah... that’s not how…” Naruto stuttered. Then Sasuke heard him flip through some papers from the other end of the line. “My binder doesn’t have a response for that.”

“New at this?” Sasuke asked. 

“Shut up.”

“Wonderful customer service.” he teased, “I sure hope you’re not living off commissions.”

“What if I am!” Naruto said. He took a deep breath and continued calmly. “Sir, you are not at an increased risk of sun cancer. Our solar panels absorb sunlight only. You’ll get just as much sun exposure as you do now.”

“I see you’ve drunk the kool-aid. Just another sheep. I, on the other hand, recognize a coverup when I see one.”

“You called me a SHEEP?!” Naruto’s voice stung in Sasuke’s ear. Despite the pain, Sasuke was, in fact, greatly entertained. He couldn’t hold in the fit of laughter as it erupted. 

“I see.” Naruto said. “You’re a troll.” He let out a deep sigh. 

“I’m just trying to make my day more interesting.” Sasuke said. 

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up.” Naurot said. “You owe me now.”

“Hardly.”

“Listen here, Uchiha, you had your fun. You got me good. But now you’re going to listen to my sales pitch and you’re going to be so blown away that you buy 12 new solar panels by the end of the day, you hear?”

“You have a zero percent chance of getting me to buy anything. You’re wasting your time.”

“It's my time to waste.”

“No, because you’re wasting my time as well.”

“You don’t seem in a rush.”

Well, he had him there. 

“I’m just going to start my pitch.” Naruto said. 

And he did. It was painfully obvious he was reading a script, mostly because he stumbled on half the words. Sasuke was bored once again listening to the pitch that seemed to go on forever. He could have just hung up. Normally he would. But instead he kept his ear to the phone as he stood up and walked to his kitchen to make another pot of coffee. The husky voice on the other end provided decent white noise for his task. He wasn’t even paying attention to what the telemarketer was saying. Something about environmental impact or footprint or something. 

“Well! What do you think?” Sasuke tuned in again when Naruto perked up. Sasuke took his time answering. He sipped his coffee, letting the telemarketer soak in anticipation. 

“No.” He finally said. 

“What!?” Naruto said, “What about the part where you save ten thousand dollars over ten years! Do you hate money?”

“No one is going to be convinced by you reciting an infomercial, dumbass” Sasuke said. “Customers want it to be personal.” Which is exactly why Sasuke wouldn’t touch a sales job with a ten foot pole. No, he was comfortable in the backroom engineering security systems.

“Make it personal.” Naruto hummed. “I can do that.”

“Don’t try anything on me. You’ve already burned this bridge.” Sasuke said, not missing an opportunity to further antagonize Naruto. “You should get a real job anyways.”

“This is a real job, asshole.”

“Not if you don’t make any money.”

“I’ll make money! I’m going to become the top salesman by the end of the year. Starting with you, Uchiha!”

“I’ll see it when I believe it.” 

“Well the binder says to call back in a week if you say no.” Naruto said. “ So I guess I’ll talk to you then.”

“No!” Sasuke said. “Don’t you dare, I will block you!”

“Have a good day Sasuke!” With that, the telemarketer that hung up.

===

A week later, Sasuke had practically forgotten all about the sales call.

“Don’t you have better things to do!” He shouted into his phone. As soon as Itachi figured out that Sasuke had been furloughed, he insisted on calling him every damn day. 

“Better than pester my darling brother? No.” Itachi said. Sasuke knew for a fact Itachi was lying. Saving lives at an overpacked hospital was a better thing to do. Sasuke knew that his brother was not getting the recommended 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night. Also a better thing to do. The fact that his brother felt the need to “check up” on him over a little job loss at a time like this hurt his pride. 

“Well, pestering accomplished.” Sasuke told him. “Now leave me alone. 

Itachi ignored him. “How have you been spending your time?”

Before Itachi called, Sasuke had been trying to throw his pens in a coffee mug on the counter while lying on the rug. He was still lying on the rug. It was what he did when he got bored of watching youtube on his couch, which is what he did when he got bored of running around the neighborhood. Running was what he did when he got bored of trying to find ways to not be bored. But his brother didn’t need to know that. 

“I’m researching security market trends.”

“I see.” Itachi mused. “Have you no better way to spend your forced vacation then to work more?”

Sasuke felt a retort bubble up in his throat. But he was thrown a hail mary when his phone started ringing. It wasn’t a number he recognized, but he didn’t much care. 

“Sorry, Itachi, I’m getting another call. We’ll talk another time.” He hung up without waiting for his brother’s response. He picked up the other call in case it was somehow work related. 

“Hello.” He answered. 

“Ah, so you didn’t block my number.” Said that abrasive voice. 

“Who is this?” Sasuke tried to think if he had any ex-boyfriends that would be calling for a booty call once the isolation kicked in. 

“This is Uzimaki Naruto, and I am calling to see if you’ve changed your mind about Sunspire solar power!” Naruto said practically in one breath. 

Sasuke wished it had been an ex. 

“No.” He said. “ You’re wasting your time. Leave me alone.”

“If you’re not interested then why’d you answer?” Naruto asked. 

“It was a mistake.”

“Are you going to hang up?”

They both waited in anticipation to see what Sasuke would do. He waited too long for Naruto’s patience. 

“Well, then I’m going to continue on with my pitch.” Naruto said. 

“If you read that same speech again, I swear to god….”

“No! No.” Naruto interrupted. “You were right last week. About making it personal. I ditched the binder, and I’ve already made three sales just talking to people.”

“Yeah,” Sasuke said. “And how do you plan on making it personal for me?”

“Sasuke? What are your deepest fears.”

Sasuke choked on his own spit. He had to sit up on his rug just to be able to breath again. 

“What the fuck kind of question is that!?”

“A personal one.”

“That can’t actually sell solar panels.” 

“You’d be surprised,” Naruto said. “I was on the phone yesterday with a woman for two hours. It got deep. She wanted to buy an entire set up after that. Also, I think I’ll be getting a Christmas card.”

“Well my deepest fear is that I’ll waste all my time talking to telemarketers.”

“You could hang up if you wanted?” Naruto asked earnestly. 

Sasuke didn’t answer. 

“So you’re afraid of wasting time?” Naruto said. “Why is that?”

“I’m not the looking for therapy.”

“It's a perfectly normal topic of conversation. See, my deepest fear is being alone.” Naruto said. His voice seemed to echo out into Sasuke’s empty apartment. 

“Are you alone now?” Sasuke asked?

“Right now? Yeah. I live alone.” Naruto said.. “It was fine cause I used to have friends over all the time. But now… well yeah.”

Sasuke nodded, even though the gesture would have been missed through the phone. He felt for the guy, but it also wasn’t his problem. 

“What about you?” Naruto said, “Based on how cranky you are, I’d guess you have at least four kids running all over the place.”

“Dumbass.” Sasuke muttered. “No. I don’t have any kids. I also live alone.” He wasn’t sure why he felt compelled to answer. 

“Oh thank goodness. I would have been worried about their upbringing.” The telemarketer laughed. 

“Tisk.” Sasuke decided he no longer wanted to be sitting on the floor. He’d already made 3 pots of coffee. The caffeine didn’t seem to affect him any more so he wondered if there was any real harm in making another. He got up and went to his kitchen to do exactly that. “Pretty ballsy to be so rude to someone you’re trying to take money from.”

Sasuke dumped the coffee grounds into his pot. 

“I’m making it personal.”

Sasuke snorted. “What makes you think the attitude would be effective on me?”

“Cause you’re a bastard.” Naruto said. He wasn’t wrong. 

“You’re still wasting your time on me. I’m not buying anything.” Sasuke said. 

Naruto just laughed. “Yeah, I kind of expected that. I’ll still change your mind. But until then, I’m enjoying our conversations so it's not really a waste of time.”

Sasuke watched his coffee filter into the pot. 

“Sasuke,” Naruto asked. “Has it been a waste of time for you?”

“Yes, obviously. That’s what I’ve been saying.” He grunted back, barely paying attention.He didn’t even question his answer. 

“Okay,” Naruto sounded a bit disappointed. Sasuke snapped back to attention at the tonal shift. “I’ll hang up then.”

“Oh, okay.”

“The binder said, I should call again next week.”

“The binder seems very pushy.”

“He, yeah, well. I don’t have to call next week. I can make an exception for you.”

“Well,” Sasuke tried to think it over, but answered before he could come up with a reasonable response. “You might as well call. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble with your boss or anything.”

“Okay Sasuke, I’ll talk to you next week then. Be ready to get some bombass solar energy sources.”

“Bye Naruto.”

Naruto hung up. 

===

This time Sasuke had not forgotten about the call. As much as he claimed to resent their phone conversation, it kept popping up in his mind as he went about the week. If he had been at work, and was able to spend his energy searching for a bug in his code, or testing the sample designs, he wouldn’t have had this problem. 

It was so quiet in his apartment that Sasuke swore the walls started ringing. 

When he was bored, which was all the time now, his mind would float back to the phone conversation. He started to wonder what Naruto looked like. He’d painted an image of the marketer in his head, which ended up being a portly Millennial with blue hair. He didn’t know where the blue hair came from, it was just the image that stuck. He wondered how much the real Naruto differed from his imagination. 

He also wondered how he ended with the job he had. Had he also lost his job when the pandemic hit? What had he been doing before? 

The only thing that had kept him sane the past week was discovering a book about real life Samurai during Feudal Japan. It was 800 pages long but only took him 3 days to read. If Naruto had kept to the schedule he would have called yesterday. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t watching his phone almost constantly. He wondered if Naruto forgot. 

Just in case, Sasuke decided to pull out his phone and look up the number that had called him the past two weeks. He dialed it. It was better to pull the bandaid off rather than have the call catch him off guard. It's not like he wanted to talk that much. 

“Uzumaki with Sunspire speaking.” Naruto answered, “How can I help you?”

“Did you forget you were supposed to call me?” Sasuke said with bite in his voice. 

“Oh, um, is this Kiba?” 

Sasuke hung up and chucked his phone to the other end of his couch. He crossed his arms and pouted, frustrated that he spent so much energy anticipating the call when Naruto hadn’t even remembered. 

His phone started ringing. He glared at it until it went to voicemail. The phone started ringing again not a minute later. 

“What!” Sasuke shouted into the phone mic. 

“Sasuke!” It was Naruto. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get a chance to look at your number when you called. And what you said sounded exactly like something my coworker would say.”

“Stupid.” Sasuke said. 

“Well, yeah, I guess. Anyways, why did you call Sasuke. Is everything okay?”

“Of course. If something was wrong I wouldn’t call a random salesperson.”

“I guess that’s true.”

“You said you were going to call this week. You were taking your time, so I decided to get it over with for you.”

“Are you finally interested in buying?”

“No, not at all.”

Naruto sighed, “Then why’d you call. Sasuke, I’ve been very busy during work hours. If you’d just like to chat, can we do it on my off hours?”

“I don’t want to chat! That’s not why I called. I wanted to learn more about the installation process.” Sasuke bullshitted. He wasn’t even sure why. “How do I know it's even compatible with my electrical system.”

“Our panels and battery boxes hook up to any of the standard residential models. Do you think your house would be different?”

“How am I supposed to know? I didn't build the thing.” An idea popped into Sasuke’s mind about how he could continue to mess with Naruto, and get pay back for forgetting their call. “Would you know the difference by examining a property?”

“I think so.” Naruto said, “If I could get a look at the breaker.”

“Then you’ll have to come over to tell me if it would even work.”

“You want me to come over?”

“Do you want to make the sale?”

“Of course, you bastard, of course. This whole time I thought you were pulling my leg. You seriously want me to come over?”

“Yes.” Sasuke said, “If you were a mask.”

“Of course, I’m not that much of a dumbass.”

Sasuke smirked to himself. “If the systems match I’ll even let you give me another sales pitch.”

“I’ll be right over then!” Naruto sounded excited. 

Sasuke gave him the address and hung up. Sasuke had a balcony attached to the living room that overlooked the entrance to the building. He was only on the second floor, so the spot was still fairly shaded and he could wait outside for as long as it took. He kept a chair out there for the occasions he could enjoy his coffee outside. Today it would afford him the perfect opportunity to watch his guest approach.

After fifteen minutes of waiting outside, he’d only seen two people enter the building. Sasuke determined that neither was Naruto given the confidence they’d used to enter. Eventually a young man with blonde hair approached the front door. The man squinted at the address numbers and glared back at his phone. 

“Fucking hell.” The blonde man shouted. Sasuke had to guess that this man was his telemarketer. Even if he wasn’t what Sasuke had expected. He hadn’t expected someone cold calling and begging for sales to be so fit. Or so attractive. What was the saying about books and covers? Except this was the opposite of that. 

The blonde pulled off his mask, jammed his fingers onto his phone and held it to his ear. A moment later Sasuke’s phone rang. 

“Hello?” Sasuke answered.

“You live in a goddamn apartment building?” Naruto shouted. 

“It would appear so.”

“Do you own the building?”

“Not in the slightest.” 

“Shit.”

“I told you, you had a bad tip.”

“And you were right, I never had a shot at changing your mind.” Naruto was still looking at the front doors. 

“Look up idiot.” When Naruto did, Sasuke waved at him from his spot on the balcony. 

Naruto didn’t wave back. 

“The ultimate troll. “ Naruto spoke into the phone. But he didn’t seem amused like Sasuke would have expected. “ Haha. You got me Sasuke. I’m going home. Have a good day.”

Sasuke would have replied, except Naruto hung up. He would have waved at him, except Naruto turned around and didn’t look back. Once he was out of sight, presumably back in his car, Sasuke went back inside. 

He couldn’t figure out why the interaction didn’t sit well with him. 

===

It finally happened. He supposed it was bound to happen after weeks of boring forced isolation. But Sasuke was inconsibly horny. If it was a normal kind of horny, he could pull one out and that would tide him over. He’d tried. Instead his body and mind were so focused on one individual, that nothing else was satisfying. He’d even tried supplementing with porn, something he’d had no shame judging others for. It didn’t help. The voices of the actors were all wrong, they weren’t terse and earthy. He couldn’t find any with hair that was a light enough shade of blonde without being bleached, or ruffled without looking tangled. 

And of course, once this new fixation started, the object of his focus didn’t call. Not that Sasuke expected Naruto to after their brief visit. After all, Sasuke had made it clear on several occasions that he didn’t want to talk. Maybe he’d burned this bridge. But deep down, some part of him hoped that Naruto would persist anyways. Even if he was pursuing a commission and not what Sasuke had come to want. In the end, the phone calls had been worth his time. 

He laid on his bed, trapped in this predicament, when his phone rang. 

“Yes!?” He answered a bit too excitedly. 

“Hello little brother, it seems you are having a good day.” It was Itachi. 

“Oh, It’s you.”

“Were you hoping it would be someone else?”

“No.”

“A phone works two ways Sasuke. If you want to talk to someone you could call them instead of moping around waiting for them to call you.”

“I’m not moping, and I’m not waiting for anyone,” Sasuke snipped into the receiver. “Is there a reason you called?”

“I’m on break and I wanted to say hi, do I need more of a reason?”

“Yes.”

“Stubborn as ever.” Itachi mused. Sasuke could picture the calm smile that would always be on Itachi’s face when he used that tone. 

“Hard day?” Sasuke asked. He was slightly worried about his brother. Not that he doubted his ability, but Itachi had the tendency to overwork himself in the best of times. And these were not the best of times. 

“You have no idea.” Itachi sounded truly exhausted. “I miss you Sasuke.” Sasuke was shook because he was pretty sure that was the most affectionate his brother had ever been. Something must really be wrong. 

“When you have a free day, let me know.” Sasuke said. “Maybe I can hang outside your window.”

“I’d like that.” Itachi said, “I have to go, one of my patients is buzzing me. Call whoever it is Sasuke, now’s not the time to be stubborn.”

“Fine.”

Itachi hung up. Sasuke supposed his brother was right. The only thing he had to lose was pride, and for some reason he didn’t care too much about that anymore. Sasuke rarely had issue being direct anyway. 

He typed in the number. 

“Hey.”

“Sasuke?” Naruto’s voice was like a cool breeze into his ear. 

“You got it right this time.”

“Yeah. After last time I saved your number. Why’d you call. I thought we were done.”

“You said we could chat when you were off work.”

“You wanna chat?”

“I want to know if you’ll come over again. But come inside this time.”

“Why?”

“For personal reasons.”

“ARE YOU TRYIN TA FUCK?” Sasuke had to pull the phone away from his ear as Naruto shouted into the receiver. 

Fine, if he wanted to be blunt. “Yes.” Sasuke said. 

“Let me get this straight, you are desperate enough to risk a deadly disease because you think you can solicite sex from the first person to cold call you?”

“Listen,” Sasuke explained, “I think you’re attractive. And believe it or not, I haven’t completely hated our conversations. That’s a rare combination for me. So if you’ve properly self isolated, you may come over where I will fuck you so hard you’ll see the Virgin Mary. But be under no illusion, if you say no, I will have no issue fulfilling my needs elsewhere. Now I will ask this once. Do you want to come over?”

“I’ll be there in 15.”

Naruto was outside his apartment in 10. He must have broke some traffic laws. Sasuke buzzed him into the building. 

Once inside, Sasuke wasted no time showing him to the bedroom, where they both began to enjoy the company of the first person they’d seen in real life since the world fell apart. 

===

Naruto sat up and stretched in Sasuke’s bed. Sasuke was content to lay tangled in the bedsheets. 

“Man,” Naruto said, “You weren’t kidding about the virgin Mary.”

Sasuke smirked at his own accomplishments. “A common occurrence with me.”

“Cocky bastard.” Naruto jumped out of the bed and started searching around the floor for his clothes. 

“You could come over again.” Sasuke said. “As long as you don’t see anyone else.”

“Cause you’d be jealous?”

“No, you idiot! Cause you’ll spread disease.”

“Mm sure. I didn’t peg you as the type to get possessive over a casual hook up.” Naruto slipped on his jeans. 

“Idiot”

“Yeah, yeah.” Naruto found his shirt. “The next time one of my customers asks for sex, I’ll turn them down. 

“Good.” Sasuke sunk further into the blankets, ready to spend the rest of the afternoon napping. 

“I’ll call you, then.” Naruto said from his doorway, fully dressed. 

“I’ll answer.”

Naruto shot him finger guns before Sasuke heard the sound of his front door closing. 

Finally, Sasuke thought, some proper entertainment.


End file.
